thepurpleone | Cyberformed [] Inbox

[Anila pauses as he enters and gives his small greeting. She might have sensed him before he spoke, but she hadn't exactly been paying attention. Also, in lieu of recent events she's been trying to shield herself a little. She's had enough of others emotions and it felt invasive. She felt like she's been more sensitive since arriving on this ship, but it's unclear if that's just the way the Force is weird here, or if it's just her.

And then there's the whole Totem business.

She is back to her proper height now, compared to the foot and a half she had been for pretty much their whole mission. She gives Donnie a gentle smile.]

Hey kid. Glad you came. Hungry?

[The jedi reaches into her pocket and pulls out a baggie of dried fruit and offers him some.]

[No smiles are offered back, but Donnie gives her a nod, his expression neutral even as he looks her over. He'd almost forgotten she'd been stuck a quarter of his size.]

Huh? Oh.

[Donnie blinks at the fruit before he slips a black hand from his pocket to take one with a quiet thanks.]

[She nods and her expression falls, but more as a release of a mask less than a show of disappointment in her response, if anything it's her joining his mood in a natural lull.

The woman puts a piece of fruit in her mouth as she turns back towards the observation window.

It's a long time before she speaks, occasionally silently handing him another piece without expectation.]

You know much about the Jedi?

[Donnie nibbles as he lets his own gaze drift towards the windows. If there were any expectations for him to start or carry the conversation, one might be disappointed. Vaguely he knows he should probably say something, but that would mean dipping into that 'something deeper.'

But Anila is the first to break the silence. He glances at her before looking back out.]

A little. Whatever Cal mentioned, but...he didn't really say too much. We were focused on the lightsabers.

[Anila gives an amused little huff.]

Sounds right. Pretty cool right?

[Another piece of fruit. Where had the second bag come from? She chews it slowly. Contemplating how to continue. If she wants to continue.]

I kind of envy Cal. It's not very Jedi of me, but Master Khoan always said I would be a much better Jedi if I stopped trying so hard to be one in the first place.

[She sorts, but there's a weight to her shoulders.]

I'm sure it wasn't easy for Cal but he can devote himself so fully and I...

[She lowers the peice of fruit she was about to eat and sighs.]

Do you want to see my lightsaber? Probably shouldn't be letting you touch it, but you've proven your competency and if you've already messed around with Cal's then it's probably fine. I'm sure you would be interested in learning the differences, since we all make our own. Just, don't lob a hand off or something, I'm absolute scrap at first aid.

[Even before waiting for him to answer she's unclipping the weapon from her hip and handing it out to him.]

Sometimes trying harder doesn't result in much more.

[His brow pinches at that, things too fresh to completely shut away, but he mentally retreats from it like getting too close to a fire.]

I know how they're put together, more or less. And I got the idea for my hardlight blade from it.

[But even when he's floating in an emotionless void, it doesn't quite keep him from the interest of the weapon offered him. He does almost hesitate, but he takes it carefully in his hands, making sure which direction is where the emitter is. He closes his eyes a moment, wondering if he can hear its heart, the Kyber within, like he had Cal's.

Donnie holds it to the side to be on the safe side when he activates it.]

[Anila exhales, a little surprised by how quickly he activated the weapon.]

That's cool! It's kind of like your own lightsaber. Without the crystal.

[The weapon would likely feel similar to Cal's, that same energy from a similar power source but the frequency and tone was probably different. Something... Softer. She hadn't really ever wielded Cal's lightsaber so it was hard to know for sure.]

How's it feel? I always wondered if it was different for people who weren't Force Sensitive, but Master Khoan would have had my head if he knew I willingly let someone else use it without the proper training.

Technically it does have a crystal, just not a Kyber. It uses something called a Hyper Energy Crystal.

[That he more or less extracted and thereby stole from Bass, early on.]

It's...heavy. Cal was saying that it's harder for people to wield someone else's lightsaber since it's...attuned? To them. I described it kind of like opposite magnetic forces.

Oh really? The more you know. Does it work simiito a kyber?

[She hums.]

Yeah, that's a good way to explain it. Other people can still use it, but not as easily. And without the proper training it's very easy to hurt yourself. But that's why you've gotta make your own. Why they're so special. It's an extension of yourself. Not just physically but ... Spiritually, I guess.

Well, it provides power. I'm...not really sure how a Kyber crystal works. It doesn't make the same noise as one, that's for sure.

But an HEC gives a lot of power boost, which helps keep a hardlight weapon solid enough to hold a shape and an edge.

[Carefully, Donnie gives Anila's lightsaber a few test swings, but it's clear he's not that used to using a sword, and coupled with the slight resistance, the movements aren't very smooth.

He shuts it off, looking at it before he holds the hilt back out to her.]

Interesting. There's a lot of crazy stuff in this universe. Not that there wasn't in mine. But we definitely didn't have giant sentient robots as far as I knew. Not like they have here at least.

[She takes her lightsaber and clips it back to her hip.]

[She is quiet for a moment, hand coming up again and tapping, finger against palm. Does she really want to bring it up?]

So... About... Before. With.. All that... Do you want to talk about it? You can say no. I get it.

[She wasn't sure she wanted to talk about it.]

[He winces faintly in response to that. The simple, easy answer is no, but that's a route cowards take. Ignoring problems doesn't make them go away. Whatever metaphoric closet he'd tried to stuff his mess of emotions into doesn't have a good lock.]

...I'm sorry.

[There are things he knows he needs to say to Anila. As much as he wants to turn and run, or wedge himself into the tightest, smallest corner.

He looks down at the floor.]

I...I should have stood up with you. I knew it wasn't right but...I still didn't... I just wanted things to work out.

[The floor becomes increasingly hard to see, blurring around the edges, an vaguely he wonders if he should be concerned about that as things get worse, as the edges of his mask start to soak.]

[If she was being honest, Anila had fully expected Donnie to say no. If she was being really honest, she was hoping he would.

But here they now were, facing the beast and-- that was not what she expected him to say.

She sighs.]

We all did, in our own way. We just had different ways of going about it and as you see, that can really make or break the thing.

[She taps nervously against her palm and moves to a chair to sit, crossing her legs.]

There isn't any need to apologize. We all made our own choices, and none of them were easy. You see how far my own got me.

[The tholothian snorts, derisive and bitter for just a moment.]

You still tried to stop the Ritual and I can't thank you enough for that, I should apologize that I couldn't do more for you. For all those lives...

[She trails off and looks out the window for a moment, then back to Donnie and tries to give him a smile, but it's more sad than anything.]

I appreciate the apology anyways, and accept it. It wasn't for nothing right? We got that information about the Quintessons and a way to help your brother.

[She had to find the positives of the situation or she would tear herself apart inside.]

I didn't do enough!

[It comes out sharper than he expects, testing the closet door's hinges as it gives a little more. He can't stop the tears, frustrated and angry and hurting.]

I couldn't decide what to do, I... I hesitated and even then, I still didn't act when I should have. You and Esmeryl got hurt, you-

[He clamps his mouth shut, not wanting to say it, not knowing just how close to the truth it was.]

We got what we wanted but at what cost?? I was told to do something, I could've saved them! I- I could have...

[Anila doesn't quite startle at the outburst, but there is a moment of surprise. The looks settles into something... different, careful but a knowing flickers in her eyes before softening.]

Donnie, the concern is great -- [and that whole scenario about what could only be describe as a temporary death is probably an issue for another time] -- have you considered that you did do something? No matter how scared you were, you still tried to do the ritual on your own, you fought along side the rest of us.

[She shifts like she might reach out, but ends up reaching up and fiddling with the beads on the left side of her head instead.]

You aren't alone in this. [A beat as she presses her lips together then turns her attention to him, making sure he had her full attention for what she was about to say.] Isn't it like you said to Shockwave back in that chamber? If you could have done more, would it have been enough? Say your right. Say you messed it all up and you should be blame for how the ritual went down, everything that happened to me, to Esme... Could you have done better? Probably. That's what you want to hear, right? That you're right? That you aren't good enough? But what about the rest of us? Do you blame us too? You would be right too. I didn't argue well enough, I wasn't strong enough, even with the blessing of the totems, it wasn't enough. Same goes for Annie and Esme, they hardly tried, didn't they? You can regret your mistakes, don't sweep them away with the wind, it's good to address our flaws and work past them, but when does it stop Donnie. When do you stop blaming yourself for things out of your control?

Cause this isn't just about Shockwave, is it? Or the ritual. It's about everything. All the things you try to fix and can't control. It's about your brothers and the Gauntlets and far too much responsibility being put on someone so young. Or anyone at all, for that matter. You should be able to help, Donatello, you should be able to protect those you care about, but not at the cost of making that all who you are. When do you help yourself?

[There is nothing harsh in her voice, it's calm, deep, concerned, but it is pressing. Pushing at that door she is now starting to see cracking open.]

I didn't! I-I didn't even try to do the ritual. I only saw what the other options were. What they would take from me...

[He doesn't get another word in as Anila pushes further. Does he blame any of them? Should he? Putting the blame on someone else hadn't crossed his mind and hardly seems fair. All he can take responsibility for is himself, his own actions. What he's willing to risk.

When do you stop blaming yourself for things out of your control?

The words punch him in the gut, and his reflex is to argue, even if he has none. Still Anila pushes, not holding back. Each added thing is like a physical blow, a weight thrown on his back, or perhaps more a reminder of what he's been shouldering all this time. He sinks to the floor with a sob, Anila and the world around him impossibly blurry.]

...I just want to know when that enough is good enough...

[But it seems like the bar is always raised, that more will be demanded from him. It's like he'd asked, back at the Blood Well, back when he started to waver on what was right and what was wrong. When would he ever gain more than he gave?]

[There it was, the break she had been pushing for. Still, she can't help but feel guilty for putting him in such a state.]

Hey, it's okay.

[She shifts from her seat and settles on the floor next to him. She wants to hug him, but she remembers that he's not huge on touch and settled for a gentle on his shoulder, just enough to remind him that she's there.]

I wish I had the answer. It's hard not to help people. I made a promise, before I... came back. I would protect the small. I saw so many lives, all those souls--

[She cuts herself again. Stay focused.]

I think... you need to start small. Start with yourself. No matter what, Donatello Hamato, you are good enough. You make mistakes, but you try and you care and that's always the best place to start.

But I think you might be blaming yourself too much for the things that aren't your fault. Take the ritual. You say you didn't try, but you were hardly given the chance before Shockwave took over.

[Ugh, she had started this whole conversation, but she wasn't a therapist. She hardly had her own problems figured out. But he didn't want to leave Donnie with nothing.]

Look, the point is, if you always want to aim higher, you have to recognize where you are in the moment, secure your footing before you climb or something, so if you do fall, you are able to catch yourself.

[She makes a face.]

I'm sorry, my master was always much better at all this. I'm not sure I'm even making any sense with any of it.

[He doesn't even try to pull away as her hand rests on his shoulder, wiping a sleeve ineffectually across his eyes, but that just makes more things wet. For a brief moment he tenses as Anila's words sink in- that she'd 'come back'. Shockwave hadn't been holding back against her nor Esmeryl. And yet he hadn't done anything against Donnie for all the turtle's own attempts to stop him. Was it because he'd said he wasn't Shockwave's enemy? Pity? But Anila could have... Or did she actually die?]

.....

[He drags in another shaky breath, scrubbing at his eyes again as he listens. His emotions are all one hopelessly tangled mass, not that he's great at identifying any of them. He just knows they're familiar, and not at all enjoyable. They're the heavy things that weigh him down and threaten to drown him, the spiky ones that tear him up from the inside out.]

So Shockwave was basically right...

["You have to have power to fight the battles that count, if you do nothing but give it away piece by piece then there will be nothing left when you need it most; and if that is the case then you have to take back power where you can."

He'd argued against it because there hardly seemed to be instances when they had a choice to choose the battles they were engaged in. But what use was giving it your all if the outcome didn't change?

...maybe...maybe he really did need to learn to take where he could.]

[When he doesn't show any aversion to her touch, she keeps her hand there, running gentle circles into his neck and shoulder and over his shell. She gives him time let's him work through it at his own pace without rushing him and-- oh well. Okay. Not the lesson she was going for here but maybe she can still work with this. What were Jedi if not adaptive?]

Maybe he was.

[She makes a face. She doesn't like saying it. She doesn't like that he said it.]

Sometimes the one who have the truth are the ones we least want to say it.

But.

[She emphasizes this word very heavily. Are you listening to her Donatello?]

That doesn't mean he was right about everything and that doesn't mean he was right in the way that he thinks he should be.

[Does that even make sense? She wished Master Khoan was here. He would know a lot better what to say. Donnie's emotions were all over the place and it was hard to focus them into one, productive goal. She didn't want to stop the pain, that would take a lot more time, but if she could get him to focus, to ground, if they could get just one positive change, mindset, lesson, whatever out of this interaction. But she felt like she was backsliding.

Would she fail him too? Would she loose the closest thing she had to a friend on this ship?

What would Master Khoan say?]

Even our enemies have lessons to teach us.

[She flinches a little. Is that what Shockwave was? An Enemy? He was at the time and Anila certainly didn't consider him a friend or even an acquaintance by any means, but she was well aware that it was far more complicated for Donnie, who had seen the Cybertronian as a mentor figure, even a friend. In a way she thinks he still did, or at least that was part of the mess of emotions that were all tangled inside him at the moment. Slag this was hard and complicated and frankly, a little dumb. Why wouldn't the universe give this poor kid a break?]

Point is, it's more important how you take that lesson then how he meant it. I feel like you might be missing the point here Donnie. Shockwave wanted power. He wanted to get the information he needed by any means necessary. Those souls were just a tool to him.

We have to pick and choose our battles. Power isn't just about having the upper hand or being stronger, it's about knowing what is worth giving yourself too. You give yourself to so much, and I'm sure it's all worthy causes, but sometimes... Maybe... It could be things that other people could do too. You're just one person, Donnie, you aren't meant to carry the whole universe on your shoulders. Even if it feels like you should.

[She actually isn't sure what part of Shockwave's many little counterpoints he latched onto, as much as she would have loved to be more specific. She gives a sigh.]

And the hard truth is sometimes you'll fail. And that really sucks. That sucks a lot. Sometimes you fail where you wanted to fail the least and people get hurt. But there is balance in all things. Failure is rarely the end, especially if there is hope. You have to keep trying but balance. If you take everything on, then you'll never make it forward. Like I said, find your footing, ground yourself.

[It's somewhat surprising to hear Anila admit such, enough so that Donnie lifts his head, glancing out of the corner of his eye at her. The face she makes is a telling one, and if he weren't feeling so knotted up he might have laughed.

But there really isn't anything funny about it.

He's listening though. Even though he doesn't say anything else immediately, but then maybe that's good, because he's not trying to argue. But then he's tired of trying to make his point come across, exhausted from constantly pouring his heart out into words, only to have them ignored, brushed off as though they didn't matter. It doesn't particularly apply to Anila, and he supposes maybe he shouldn't have had such high hopes to convince Shockwave, knowing who he is. He'd taken the smallest comfort in knowing that at least this time, he and Anemone were fighting on the same side.]

...I know. And to him, it just seemed the most logical thing to do. It was...an opportunity. And to him, there wasn't any personal loss, only gain.

But what if we're not given a choice? Like when we went to Iskwiyac. We weren't there to find another relic of a Prime, but since we just happened to be there, we got drawn into things. That's where I almost lost Anemone! In a way, I think I still lost her, and I don't know that I can ever really get her back..!

[He looks at his hands, clenching them into tight fists, the flicker of anger stoked into something that swirls more prominently amidst the other mix of emotions, not that it hadn't always been there.]

I was given power that I never asked for, and all it does is keep taking, the more I have to use it. It would have taken more if I went through with the ritual, she wanted me to stop Shockwave from killing all those people, knowing it would have cost me.

[He takes in a shaky breath, letting his hands drop into his lap.]

But I would've tried anyway. Maybe she knew that. Greater outcomes and all that, I don't know. It's hard hoping when you know you're just being used.

[Anila is silent for a bit. It's one thing to speak in hypotheticals and vague platitudes, but getting specific like this? That's a little trickier.

That flicker of anger had her frowning. She had been drilled of the danger of anger. It wasn't the same for someone who wasn't atuned to the Force like she and other Jedi were. But it could still be dangerous all the same.

But he has all the right to be angry. Even if she didn't know all the details, even if she didn't understand, not completely. How could she when their lives were so different?]

Your life is hard and the choices you keep getting given suck. It's not fair. Especially when it doesn't really seem to be a choice at all. You shouldn't have to do things at the sake of so many others just because you were in the right place at the right time.

[Nothing was ever fair, but that wasn't the point here. He didn't need to hear that. He likely already knew. What he needed was to be seen. To be acknowledged. Anila didn't have the answers. But she had herself and she would be here as long as he needed.

Shifting so that she was sitting a little more comfortably next to him-- close but not too close-- she pulls a knee up to her chest and finally pulls her hand from his back to fiddle with the beads at the side of her head.

There is a lot to be said, but if she's being honest, she isn't sure how to counter a lot of his points.

So instead, she asks a question.]

If you could get rid of the gauntlets, would you?

[The silence is telling, heavy to the point of suffocating.

Anila only echoes his own words and thoughts, and yet Donnie knows it's only a fragment of the many instances where it seemed like things were just so far beyond them, their victories only scraping by, and even then, sometimes it felt like they hadn't won at all. The challenges had only gotten harder, and sometimes the only win seems to be having everyone make it out alive.

He says nothing with the question asked, lowering his head into his arms. A hypothetical question, not a realistic one. Not when his arms were gone.]

...no.

[His response when it finally comes is quiet, barely a whisper.]

[It's strange. Anila wasn't expecting him to say no, but somehow it doesn't surprise her, now that he's said it. She hardly hears it, but it seems to echo in the large room. It hurts, she hurts for him.

How can she help?

Is this really her problem to help with? She's given all this talk about balance and not taking on more than you can handle and whatever else. But if she was going to preach about sharing the load, she had to make herself available.

This was a burden she was willing to bear. She was going to help.

And not just because of her promise to Gossamer.]

Can I see them?

[He knows he'd come upon them purely by accident. It could have easily been Anemone, or Leo... After the things he's had to go through, he doesn't think he would have wished the burden on either of them.

He also knows that, whether it be curse, burden or boon, it wouldn't change how he'd make use of it. It's always been his nature to try to find a solution, to make things work, to fix things and help others. ...even if he never got the acknowledgement in return.

Peering at her just over his arm, Donnie slowly extracts a hand, pulling his sleeve up a little as he holds it out to her. His fingers are back to the usual turtle stubs rather than the clawed tips he'd taken to wearing for the longest. The claws he'd styled after Shockwave's.]

[She looks down at the exposed arm and reached out with long slender fingers. Her face is serious as she pauses a moment, giving him a chance to stop her, to pull away, but fore finally laying her hand across his wrist. She takes a breath and lets it out slowly as she traces along the strange stone, closing her eyes as she focuses.

It may look intentional, but Anila doesn't know what in the universe she's doing. She's just hoping she can do... something. She reaches out to the Force, trying to connect it with the Gauntlet, trying to... get a reading? Play spot the difference? Communicate with the power there? She doesn't know. But if anything can give her insight, anything that could help her help him...]

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