thepurpleone | Cyberformed [] Inbox

N-no, it's... [That's a lie. He squeezes his eyes shut, dragging in another breath.]

Everything's too much. Still acclima- adjusting. Didn't anticipate it being so bad... [He'd gotten so used to being a robot, is that it? Walling of everything, it was so blissful, everything data, processed in a microsecond ugh so slow, everything's so slow

He drags his attention back to Velocity, looking back up her as he tries to grasp the words she'd just spoken, forcefully shaking his head to the point that he nearly falls over, dizzied by his own movement.]

No-! I can't- I-I don't want to! [Oh but he does, wants to retreat, wants to hide, pretend nothing ever happened but it did and he remembers it, even when his mind feels so heavy for how sluggish everything seems to go he still remembers and now he has a stomach that knots itself at the thought of the things he'd said and Velocity didn't deserve that, no one deserved that-]

-I'm sorry! [He blurts. More speaking is less breathing but he needs to get that out, he needs to- he can't-]

[Velocity reaches out a hand for him, but pulls it back almost before she starts the movement, not wanting to scare him any more than he obviously already is. He looks like she feels so much of the time, and she hates that for him. He looks so miserable, so tangled up in what he's feeling and thinking, and she wishes she could fix it. She always wishes she could fix things that are broken]

Donnie.

[She says it gently, so gently, speaking to him the way she wishes her teachers and the other students had spoken to her back in school when she made mistakes]

Donnie, I need you to listen. Focus on what I'm saying, all right? I forgive you. I already had. It's okay to mess up sometimes, that's how you learn. But-

[She smiles at him, strained but real]

But you're panicking. Making yourself feel worse won't help this, and it won't help you. It'll be okay. We'll figure it out. But I need you to breathe, now.

[That's very much something they have in common, the need to fix things. Machinery, problems, Donnie had adopted that role back home and it carries over now. Problems are just a lot more complicated, emotions make them even more so.

He looks up shakily at Velocity, freezing when he sees her hand move, feeling like his limbs are locked in place. But he's listening, he's trying so hard to listen. His heartbeat sounds so loud in his own ears, his breath- right, breathe- ah, louder still.

He swallows, the familiar burn in his eyes one of the sensations he's definitely not missed. How much does an organic body betray him, everything just feeling several times as awful as he sniffles. He finally manages to get an arm to move so he can at least wipe a sleeve across his traitorous eyes, forcing himself to take a shaky breath as he nods.]

Edited 2024-06-11 06:54 (UTC)

[Velocity can only be here with him in this moment. He needs someone, and she's the one that's here. So as inadequate as she feels she is for this, she'll step up to the task anyway]

[So she smiles, and she vents in and out with him as he breathes, her plating shifting to release excess heat as she counts aloud the way Knock Out had said to]

Count with me, all right? One, two, three, four. Good, Donnie. You're doing very good. I'm proud of you. One step at a time, keep going. Breathe in, two, three four, breathe out.

[A phrase that Nautica had said to her once when she was panicking about failing for the fifth time in a row pops into her head, and she says it without thinking twice]

Caminus is round, you will not fall off. So let's focus on keeping you tethered to the moment, okay? In, two, three, four. Out, two, three four.

[The turtle does his best to follow along, his limbs slowly easing from their compressed states, if only by just a bit.]

One...two...three...

[Tethered to the moment. That's exactly what he needs, and even if the reference is lost on him, the necessity of focusing, on just breathing, that translates well enough. He doesn't trust his counts but he lets Velocity handle that part as he just tries to breathe on the right beats, in, two, three, four, out, two, three, four.

His heart doesn't feel like it's trying to pound its way out of his chest, the rush of blood lessening in his ears as he just continues to concentrate on breathing, his fingers slowly loosening from the folds of his hoodie sleeves that he'd practically dug his claws into.]

[Velocity keeps up the count. In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four. And she keeps right on counting for another minute or so, before slowly dropping off, to see if it will need to be repeated from the top again. When it doesn't seem like it will, she smiles at him again, nothing but genuine relief in her tone and in her face]

Good. You're doing really well, Donnie.

I meant it, too. I promise. I'm proud of you. Working your way back from panicking is a lot, isn't it? But I suppose if it were easy, everyone would be doing it.

[She lets out a soft laugh]

And it's nothing to be ashamed of, so please don't start down that road, either. There's nothing about it that I'm not glad I was here for. Everyone needs help sometimes, right?

Edited 2024-06-15 06:32 (UTC)

[Donnie still doesn't quite feel like he trusts himself to speak just yet, but he lets out more of a sigh than a breath, nodding a bit before he lets himself sink down to sit. Sorry Velocity, you'll have to look a little more lower now, but he suddenly feels exhausted.]

...yeah, I guess so. [His voice is quiet but a least it doesn't sound hoarse. Finally he raises his had to look up at her.] Thanks...Velocity.

You're welcome. Any time, Donnie.

[She pulls one knee up against her chestplate to rest her cheek on it. It's more comfortable to sit that way for her, especially if this conversation goes any one of the ways it still might]

I had a friend help me like this when I used to panic about never being able to pass my medical exams, if I should just give up and do what everyone else but her and my two other friends sometimes seemed to want from me and my life.

It was... it's nice, being able to put the help she gave me back out into the universe again. Reminds me what I decided my life is supposed to be. Not anybody else.

[She looks down at a spot between them on the floor for a moment as thoughts of what people like Writhe seemed to want for her, too, before looking back up at his face again. She debates asking if he's ready to talk about it again, then changes her mind]

This deep breathing takes practice to do on your own, by the way. Otherwise you'll just get caught up in the moment and go in circles without remembering that this can help.

[He pulls both his knees to his chest so he can hug them, still feeling particularly vulnerable in such a squishy little body occupying such a tiny space.]

I'll make note of that.

[It's not like it's something new, things you read or hear about, but when it comes to a situation that it should be applied, those sorts of things just don't readily come to mind. He slides his sleeve back on his left arm so he can tap at his bracer computer. Maybe he can set up some kind of alert, a monitor if it detects his heart rate and breathing going up due to stress. Maybe MISHELLE can help with that.]

I think...that's the most important thing. People shouldn't decide anything for you.

...and...I guess sometimes people overlook that maybe their attempts to help fix things isn't what that person wants.

[Velocity hums a bit instead of responding at first, not wanting to seem like she is going to leap at the chance to be the most correct in a moment of vulnerability he is willing to trust her with]

It isn't an easy lesson to learn. Wasn't, and isn't, for me either, and you haven't had early morning medical ethics professors breathing down your neck about assigned reading over it.

Even if you did... when your first instinct is to try to fix things whose broken pieces keep poking at you, sometimes that bright, shining solution seems so easy to you and it's easy to forget that truth you just said. Your solution might not be the one they need or want, if they go with one at all. It's just a part you have to be willing to accept about being a doctor, or a brother, or a potential new friend.

[She sketches a quick smile at him, then looks away again with a shrug]

But you said something else was on your mind, too. That it was hard to acclimate. Want to talk about it? You can say no. That's always an option.

Or a brother...

[He echoes with a nod, hinting that this really wasn't something new for him at all. He'd tried to fix his brothers before. Once it involved a talking helmet, an inflating suit and a shock collar. The second time involved some brain boosting. Internally he scolds himself. He really should have known better by now. Except it had been so easy to neglect when you didn't have emotions attached to it.

His arms tighten a little around his legs but he forces them to loosen, knowing all he'll be left with are sore limbs. Didn't have to worry about that when you were a robot.]

It's...

I-I don't know. Maybe it's just me? The over-sensitivity? We weren't swapped that long but it was long enough to get used to. Everything was so neat and separate, I could just ignore things or they just didn't apply. But then my mind got plugged back into where it was supposed to be and it's like all the settings are turned up.

[He buries his face against his knees as he finds himself squeezing his arms around them again, the breath he sucks in seeming counter productive with such an ill posture. At least he realizes what he's doing, turning his head up to rest there as he sighs out that breath. He's not panicking but he's not sure how to put those feelings into words, other than that it all just feels so strange and overwhelming, and it shouldn't be.]

I hate it.

[Velocity nods again, acknowledging and accepting the simple truth of what he says. As she does, she frowns and drums her fingers onto her upraised leg in thought with a series of small metallic tinging noises in sequence]

Forgive me, but the best way for me to reason this out to both of us is medically, so I'm going to talk too much. I know I'm going to. I'm sorry. But I think... I think this could be thought of as a limb being made unable to experience sensation. And it stays that way.

Over time, you, your body and your processor become accustomed to it. The limb is just... there, now, an extension of yourself that can be safely forgotten. Maybe you even cause damage to yourself while unable to feel it. But that also means that any sensation you experience once it returns again is going to feel heightened. Of course it would. You're overclocking sensors that are basically being used for the first time all over again.

I suppose what I am trying to say is --and I know this will be frustrating to hear and I'm sorry-- but you need to give yourself time. Because we aren't talking my usual area of expertise at all, but psychological. I'm, um. Somewhat infamous for being bad at feelings. Or regulating them. Or-

Anyway.

It isn't really my place, and I'm probably the worst person to pick to talk to you about any of this Donnie, so tell me to shut up if you need to, but... but you ran from a feeling without doing anything about why it bothers you in the first place, so now that it's all come back, it-

[She gnawed at her lip between her dentae, and fought not to turn her head away, to hide]

...I don't blame you. I want relief from myself, too.

No, talking's fine. People don't try to explain things nearly enough sometimes, or try at all.

[Like with understanding those more intangible mysteries like magic, or Cal's Force. Cal had been good in trying to explain it to him, had put the effort into making it something Donnie can grasp.

Data calms him down, weirdly enough. He visibly relaxes as he listens to Velocity reason out what he's experiencing. To his credit he only frowns a little when time seems the best solution for what he's dealing with, but then he's not really surprised there. It's just something to get used to again, which sounds funny when it's your own body.

There's nothing he can argue about when it circles back to feelings. It just seems like everything in the universe has been intending to prove him anything but an emotionally unavailable bad boy and it's been...frustrating. More so because he's not sure how to deal with it. Well, except to talk to someone about it, and it's admittedly not his favorite option. He's bad at it.

Donnie looks up at Velocity again.]

...but it doesn't make them go away. The feelings. They're still going to be there because they're attached to other things.

[He knows this firsthand. He'd seen what had happened to his friends. Erasing memories and the ability to care about things hadn't really solved anything. But running away from having to deal with feelings at all...was that really any better?

Donnie sighs, closing his eyes for a moment as he rests his head on his knees again.]

Why's this have to be so complicated, right?

[Velocity was quiet for a bit as she turned over what could possibly be said to fix this, and what wouldn't be a pleasant sounding lie. Her eyes flick down and away]

I think- I think a lot of the good things in life take work to maintain. You don't have to do it. It's a choice. Megatron explained to me once that it's all about choice. He didn't use those words, though, he- he asked me what I really wanted. Do you want to remain where you are, or do you want your situation to change?

[A brief smile quirks her lips, then slowly grows]

I didn't like that question then, either, and I don't like it a whole lot more right now.

[Once again he seeks refuge by hiding his face, this time stuffing it against the material of his sleeves, behind his folded arms that he perches over his knees. It's a half-step better than squeezing his knees to him at least.]

No, I understand. I've never been one for taking the easy way out. I wouldn't have gotten this far if I didn't want to change. I always want to be better. If I don't then what good am I to anyone?

[Velocity's expression almost instantly seizes up tight at that last part]

Don't- don't do that. Donnie, please don't. Trying to force yourself to fit into a box, that's-

Back home, it's called functionism. Basing someone's value on what other people need or want, rather than what they do. People expected me to be lots of things other than what I wanted to be. A medic who's a racecar, rather than an entertainer? Most people would've told you that shouldn't happen. Ever. And they did.

That was how our war started, Donnie. Don't try and recreate it in miniature. It's still awful even if the only person being hurt is you.

[His head sinks deeper behind his arms as his fingers tighten in the folds of his sleeve.]

But... I'm the tech guy! That's been my thing. I'm good at it, I love doing it. Is...is it my fault that that's what I made myself to be? What people expect me to know? Because I don't know what else I'd do....

[Velocity immediately and hurriedly shook her head]

No no no, that's not what- I'm not saying it's your fault or that you should stop if you truly enjoy it. If that's your joy and source of passion, stick with it. That's a part of where you make your meaning. I just mean...

[Velocity fights not to wince as she relates far too much to what he's saying, to keep her voice steady and calm]

I just want you to think about it, okay? About whether you're only worth keeping around because of what you can do for people. Aren't you loved for other things, too? I'm pretty sure your family and friends love you even when you don't do clever things, or when you're feeling tired or angry or are unpleasant to be around, because everybody gets those ways sometimes. I just...

[Her mouth pulled, knowing she was being hypocritical. That didn't matter, though. What mattered here was Donnie]

I just don't want you to do the exact same things I've done. There will always be people who hurt you. You don't have to do their job for them.

[Everything's blurry and that annoyingly uncomfortable burning sensation in his eyes has made a comeback. For a while he just remains in that compacted position.

The things Velocity says... He supposes deep down, he's known it. They're the things he takes for granted, the things he doesn't think about, the things that he's never thought to put too much worth into because well... shouldn't there be reasons? Was being part of a family reason enough? Friendship was built from some sort of shared bond, relationships...

There he goes, trying to pick things apart again, trying to find the reasonings, the meaning, the how's and why's because that's what he does even if it threatens to drive him crazy. It's so hard to just not think too hard about it and accept things as they are.

But Velocity with all her words is still basically telling him that it's okay. That everything's okay. That should be all that matters, that's all he really wants to hear.

He drags in a strained breath, head tilting back enough that he can look over his arms again, tear-filled eyes making Velocity look like one giant blurry blob of teal.]

[Velocity just smiles at him as best she can] It's okay to cry. [She says it earnestly. She has to be sort of person she'd needed, once] Nobody is going to feel bad that you're upset, not here. You aren't letting anybody down. Let it out.

[She shifts again and very slowly and carefully lays one hand on the floor beside Donnie, palm up, with her index finger curled to rest ever so slightly against Donnie. The closest she can come to giving him a hug]

[He hates crying. Calling him out on it just breaks down the hasty dam he keeps trying to build up as the tears flow freely then. He scrubs a sleeve against his eyes in a futile effort to soak them up, but they just keep coming and everything's soggy and he totally blames being off balance with everything. Stupid body swaps. Stupid robots. Stupid feelings.

The cool metal doesn't startle him at least. It's simultaneously comforting as it is kind of depressing, but Velocity's there and no one else is. She's been listening and trying to help him even after everything. He leans into that finger, sobbing.]

[Not knowing what else to do, Velocity does what she used to do for Nautica on the only occasion she remembered her friend crying, and eased out her vents in a rhythm until her spark slowly starts to fall into sync as well, whirling in time with Donnie's sobs. She doesn't think an organic will necessarily get the same thing out of it, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't try]

I'm here, [she says, because she knows that crying in silence is something even worse. And it's true, anyway. She's going to stay right until he no longer wants her to] I'm with you, and I'm not going anywhere.

[Crying at his brothers is out of the question. If this whole thing ever came up, Donnie would staunchly deny it, definitely some other Donnie who was bawling his eyes out because it felt like he was just falling apart and he just didn't know what to do about it.

There's something soothing about the sound, or the sensation, a confirmation to Velocity's words when she speaks up again. Someone's here with him. That's really all that matters right then.

His sobbing doesn't really stop, but they do eventually lessen. Crying is tiring, everything just feeling three times as exhausting and wet and gross. Velocity's finger is the only thing supporting him now, the turtle curled against it, long having given up on trying to wipe his face off.]

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