thepurpleone | Cyberformed [] Inbox

[Velocity nods again, acknowledging and accepting the simple truth of what he says. As she does, she frowns and drums her fingers onto her upraised leg in thought with a series of small metallic tinging noises in sequence]

Forgive me, but the best way for me to reason this out to both of us is medically, so I'm going to talk too much. I know I'm going to. I'm sorry. But I think... I think this could be thought of as a limb being made unable to experience sensation. And it stays that way.

Over time, you, your body and your processor become accustomed to it. The limb is just... there, now, an extension of yourself that can be safely forgotten. Maybe you even cause damage to yourself while unable to feel it. But that also means that any sensation you experience once it returns again is going to feel heightened. Of course it would. You're overclocking sensors that are basically being used for the first time all over again.

I suppose what I am trying to say is --and I know this will be frustrating to hear and I'm sorry-- but you need to give yourself time. Because we aren't talking my usual area of expertise at all, but psychological. I'm, um. Somewhat infamous for being bad at feelings. Or regulating them. Or-

Anyway.

It isn't really my place, and I'm probably the worst person to pick to talk to you about any of this Donnie, so tell me to shut up if you need to, but... but you ran from a feeling without doing anything about why it bothers you in the first place, so now that it's all come back, it-

[She gnawed at her lip between her dentae, and fought not to turn her head away, to hide]

...I don't blame you. I want relief from myself, too.

No, talking's fine. People don't try to explain things nearly enough sometimes, or try at all.

[Like with understanding those more intangible mysteries like magic, or Cal's Force. Cal had been good in trying to explain it to him, had put the effort into making it something Donnie can grasp.

Data calms him down, weirdly enough. He visibly relaxes as he listens to Velocity reason out what he's experiencing. To his credit he only frowns a little when time seems the best solution for what he's dealing with, but then he's not really surprised there. It's just something to get used to again, which sounds funny when it's your own body.

There's nothing he can argue about when it circles back to feelings. It just seems like everything in the universe has been intending to prove him anything but an emotionally unavailable bad boy and it's been...frustrating. More so because he's not sure how to deal with it. Well, except to talk to someone about it, and it's admittedly not his favorite option. He's bad at it.

Donnie looks up at Velocity again.]

...but it doesn't make them go away. The feelings. They're still going to be there because they're attached to other things.

[He knows this firsthand. He'd seen what had happened to his friends. Erasing memories and the ability to care about things hadn't really solved anything. But running away from having to deal with feelings at all...was that really any better?

Donnie sighs, closing his eyes for a moment as he rests his head on his knees again.]

Why's this have to be so complicated, right?

[Velocity was quiet for a bit as she turned over what could possibly be said to fix this, and what wouldn't be a pleasant sounding lie. Her eyes flick down and away]

I think- I think a lot of the good things in life take work to maintain. You don't have to do it. It's a choice. Megatron explained to me once that it's all about choice. He didn't use those words, though, he- he asked me what I really wanted. Do you want to remain where you are, or do you want your situation to change?

[A brief smile quirks her lips, then slowly grows]

I didn't like that question then, either, and I don't like it a whole lot more right now.

[Once again he seeks refuge by hiding his face, this time stuffing it against the material of his sleeves, behind his folded arms that he perches over his knees. It's a half-step better than squeezing his knees to him at least.]

No, I understand. I've never been one for taking the easy way out. I wouldn't have gotten this far if I didn't want to change. I always want to be better. If I don't then what good am I to anyone?

[Velocity's expression almost instantly seizes up tight at that last part]

Don't- don't do that. Donnie, please don't. Trying to force yourself to fit into a box, that's-

Back home, it's called functionism. Basing someone's value on what other people need or want, rather than what they do. People expected me to be lots of things other than what I wanted to be. A medic who's a racecar, rather than an entertainer? Most people would've told you that shouldn't happen. Ever. And they did.

That was how our war started, Donnie. Don't try and recreate it in miniature. It's still awful even if the only person being hurt is you.

[His head sinks deeper behind his arms as his fingers tighten in the folds of his sleeve.]

But... I'm the tech guy! That's been my thing. I'm good at it, I love doing it. Is...is it my fault that that's what I made myself to be? What people expect me to know? Because I don't know what else I'd do....

[Velocity immediately and hurriedly shook her head]

No no no, that's not what- I'm not saying it's your fault or that you should stop if you truly enjoy it. If that's your joy and source of passion, stick with it. That's a part of where you make your meaning. I just mean...

[Velocity fights not to wince as she relates far too much to what he's saying, to keep her voice steady and calm]

I just want you to think about it, okay? About whether you're only worth keeping around because of what you can do for people. Aren't you loved for other things, too? I'm pretty sure your family and friends love you even when you don't do clever things, or when you're feeling tired or angry or are unpleasant to be around, because everybody gets those ways sometimes. I just...

[Her mouth pulled, knowing she was being hypocritical. That didn't matter, though. What mattered here was Donnie]

I just don't want you to do the exact same things I've done. There will always be people who hurt you. You don't have to do their job for them.

[Everything's blurry and that annoyingly uncomfortable burning sensation in his eyes has made a comeback. For a while he just remains in that compacted position.

The things Velocity says... He supposes deep down, he's known it. They're the things he takes for granted, the things he doesn't think about, the things that he's never thought to put too much worth into because well... shouldn't there be reasons? Was being part of a family reason enough? Friendship was built from some sort of shared bond, relationships...

There he goes, trying to pick things apart again, trying to find the reasonings, the meaning, the how's and why's because that's what he does even if it threatens to drive him crazy. It's so hard to just not think too hard about it and accept things as they are.

But Velocity with all her words is still basically telling him that it's okay. That everything's okay. That should be all that matters, that's all he really wants to hear.

He drags in a strained breath, head tilting back enough that he can look over his arms again, tear-filled eyes making Velocity look like one giant blurry blob of teal.]

[Velocity just smiles at him as best she can] It's okay to cry. [She says it earnestly. She has to be sort of person she'd needed, once] Nobody is going to feel bad that you're upset, not here. You aren't letting anybody down. Let it out.

[She shifts again and very slowly and carefully lays one hand on the floor beside Donnie, palm up, with her index finger curled to rest ever so slightly against Donnie. The closest she can come to giving him a hug]

[He hates crying. Calling him out on it just breaks down the hasty dam he keeps trying to build up as the tears flow freely then. He scrubs a sleeve against his eyes in a futile effort to soak them up, but they just keep coming and everything's soggy and he totally blames being off balance with everything. Stupid body swaps. Stupid robots. Stupid feelings.

The cool metal doesn't startle him at least. It's simultaneously comforting as it is kind of depressing, but Velocity's there and no one else is. She's been listening and trying to help him even after everything. He leans into that finger, sobbing.]

[Not knowing what else to do, Velocity does what she used to do for Nautica on the only occasion she remembered her friend crying, and eased out her vents in a rhythm until her spark slowly starts to fall into sync as well, whirling in time with Donnie's sobs. She doesn't think an organic will necessarily get the same thing out of it, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't try]

I'm here, [she says, because she knows that crying in silence is something even worse. And it's true, anyway. She's going to stay right until he no longer wants her to] I'm with you, and I'm not going anywhere.

[Crying at his brothers is out of the question. If this whole thing ever came up, Donnie would staunchly deny it, definitely some other Donnie who was bawling his eyes out because it felt like he was just falling apart and he just didn't know what to do about it.

There's something soothing about the sound, or the sensation, a confirmation to Velocity's words when she speaks up again. Someone's here with him. That's really all that matters right then.

His sobbing doesn't really stop, but they do eventually lessen. Crying is tiring, everything just feeling three times as exhausting and wet and gross. Velocity's finger is the only thing supporting him now, the turtle curled against it, long having given up on trying to wipe his face off.]

Cyberformed [] Inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject