thepurpleone | Cyberformed [] Inbox

[Of course he was upset! The shaymin's proving to be quite reckless! And not even in ways he'd approve of!

Unfortunately it seems the boy's immune to waterworks and sad puppy faces.]

Yes, I'm mad, but so long as you promise not to do it again, it won't be a problem. Most of us here aren't from this universe. But that just means there's more of us available who will understand any of the problems or difficulties you might have, and if we've been here longer, can offer answers and solutions.

[When he doesn't show any aversion to her touch, she keeps her hand there, running gentle circles into his neck and shoulder and over his shell. She gives him time let's him work through it at his own pace without rushing him and-- oh well. Okay. Not the lesson she was going for here but maybe she can still work with this. What were Jedi if not adaptive?]

Maybe he was.

[She makes a face. She doesn't like saying it. She doesn't like that he said it.]

Sometimes the one who have the truth are the ones we least want to say it.

But.

[She emphasizes this word very heavily. Are you listening to her Donatello?]

That doesn't mean he was right about everything and that doesn't mean he was right in the way that he thinks he should be.

[Does that even make sense? She wished Master Khoan was here. He would know a lot better what to say. Donnie's emotions were all over the place and it was hard to focus them into one, productive goal. She didn't want to stop the pain, that would take a lot more time, but if she could get him to focus, to ground, if they could get just one positive change, mindset, lesson, whatever out of this interaction. But she felt like she was backsliding.

Would she fail him too? Would she loose the closest thing she had to a friend on this ship?

What would Master Khoan say?]

Even our enemies have lessons to teach us.

[She flinches a little. Is that what Shockwave was? An Enemy? He was at the time and Anila certainly didn't consider him a friend or even an acquaintance by any means, but she was well aware that it was far more complicated for Donnie, who had seen the Cybertronian as a mentor figure, even a friend. In a way she thinks he still did, or at least that was part of the mess of emotions that were all tangled inside him at the moment. Slag this was hard and complicated and frankly, a little dumb. Why wouldn't the universe give this poor kid a break?]

Point is, it's more important how you take that lesson then how he meant it. I feel like you might be missing the point here Donnie. Shockwave wanted power. He wanted to get the information he needed by any means necessary. Those souls were just a tool to him.

We have to pick and choose our battles. Power isn't just about having the upper hand or being stronger, it's about knowing what is worth giving yourself too. You give yourself to so much, and I'm sure it's all worthy causes, but sometimes... Maybe... It could be things that other people could do too. You're just one person, Donnie, you aren't meant to carry the whole universe on your shoulders. Even if it feels like you should.

[She actually isn't sure what part of Shockwave's many little counterpoints he latched onto, as much as she would have loved to be more specific. She gives a sigh.]

And the hard truth is sometimes you'll fail. And that really sucks. That sucks a lot. Sometimes you fail where you wanted to fail the least and people get hurt. But there is balance in all things. Failure is rarely the end, especially if there is hope. You have to keep trying but balance. If you take everything on, then you'll never make it forward. Like I said, find your footing, ground yourself.

"Oh..." Donnie isn't quite sure where to go with that one. He's not really familiar with Jedi and their 'baby-snatching' ways to figure this as anything unusual otherwise.

He tilts his head, not really catching that note of sadness, or rather not connecting it as such, but he studies the swirling lines. His arms had hurt bad enough getting burned up as they got eaten by magic that he can't imagine sitting through such sessions for all those tattoos and other markings.

"Yeah, blue's his thing. Like orange is Mikey's, and Raph's is red, and mine is purple."

[It's somewhat surprising to hear Anila admit such, enough so that Donnie lifts his head, glancing out of the corner of his eye at her. The face she makes is a telling one, and if he weren't feeling so knotted up he might have laughed.

But there really isn't anything funny about it.

He's listening though. Even though he doesn't say anything else immediately, but then maybe that's good, because he's not trying to argue. But then he's tired of trying to make his point come across, exhausted from constantly pouring his heart out into words, only to have them ignored, brushed off as though they didn't matter. It doesn't particularly apply to Anila, and he supposes maybe he shouldn't have had such high hopes to convince Shockwave, knowing who he is. He'd taken the smallest comfort in knowing that at least this time, he and Anemone were fighting on the same side.]

...I know. And to him, it just seemed the most logical thing to do. It was...an opportunity. And to him, there wasn't any personal loss, only gain.

But what if we're not given a choice? Like when we went to Iskwiyac. We weren't there to find another relic of a Prime, but since we just happened to be there, we got drawn into things. That's where I almost lost Anemone! In a way, I think I still lost her, and I don't know that I can ever really get her back..!

[He looks at his hands, clenching them into tight fists, the flicker of anger stoked into something that swirls more prominently amidst the other mix of emotions, not that it hadn't always been there.]

I was given power that I never asked for, and all it does is keep taking, the more I have to use it. It would have taken more if I went through with the ritual, she wanted me to stop Shockwave from killing all those people, knowing it would have cost me.

[He takes in a shaky breath, letting his hands drop into his lap.]

But I would've tried anyway. Maybe she knew that. Greater outcomes and all that, I don't know. It's hard hoping when you know you're just being used.

[Anila is silent for a bit. It's one thing to speak in hypotheticals and vague platitudes, but getting specific like this? That's a little trickier.

That flicker of anger had her frowning. She had been drilled of the danger of anger. It wasn't the same for someone who wasn't atuned to the Force like she and other Jedi were. But it could still be dangerous all the same.

But he has all the right to be angry. Even if she didn't know all the details, even if she didn't understand, not completely. How could she when their lives were so different?]

Your life is hard and the choices you keep getting given suck. It's not fair. Especially when it doesn't really seem to be a choice at all. You shouldn't have to do things at the sake of so many others just because you were in the right place at the right time.

[Nothing was ever fair, but that wasn't the point here. He didn't need to hear that. He likely already knew. What he needed was to be seen. To be acknowledged. Anila didn't have the answers. But she had herself and she would be here as long as he needed.

Shifting so that she was sitting a little more comfortably next to him-- close but not too close-- she pulls a knee up to her chest and finally pulls her hand from his back to fiddle with the beads at the side of her head.

There is a lot to be said, but if she's being honest, she isn't sure how to counter a lot of his points.

So instead, she asks a question.]

If you could get rid of the gauntlets, would you?

[The silence is telling, heavy to the point of suffocating.

Anila only echoes his own words and thoughts, and yet Donnie knows it's only a fragment of the many instances where it seemed like things were just so far beyond them, their victories only scraping by, and even then, sometimes it felt like they hadn't won at all. The challenges had only gotten harder, and sometimes the only win seems to be having everyone make it out alive.

He says nothing with the question asked, lowering his head into his arms. A hypothetical question, not a realistic one. Not when his arms were gone.]

...no.

[His response when it finally comes is quiet, barely a whisper.]

[It's strange. Anila wasn't expecting him to say no, but somehow it doesn't surprise her, now that he's said it. She hardly hears it, but it seems to echo in the large room. It hurts, she hurts for him.

How can she help?

Is this really her problem to help with? She's given all this talk about balance and not taking on more than you can handle and whatever else. But if she was going to preach about sharing the load, she had to make herself available.

This was a burden she was willing to bear. She was going to help.

And not just because of her promise to Gossamer.]

Can I see them?

[He knows he'd come upon them purely by accident. It could have easily been Anemone, or Leo... After the things he's had to go through, he doesn't think he would have wished the burden on either of them.

He also knows that, whether it be curse, burden or boon, it wouldn't change how he'd make use of it. It's always been his nature to try to find a solution, to make things work, to fix things and help others. ...even if he never got the acknowledgement in return.

Peering at her just over his arm, Donnie slowly extracts a hand, pulling his sleeve up a little as he holds it out to her. His fingers are back to the usual turtle stubs rather than the clawed tips he'd taken to wearing for the longest. The claws he'd styled after Shockwave's.]

[She looks down at the exposed arm and reached out with long slender fingers. Her face is serious as she pauses a moment, giving him a chance to stop her, to pull away, but fore finally laying her hand across his wrist. She takes a breath and lets it out slowly as she traces along the strange stone, closing her eyes as she focuses.

It may look intentional, but Anila doesn't know what in the universe she's doing. She's just hoping she can do... something. She reaches out to the Force, trying to connect it with the Gauntlet, trying to... get a reading? Play spot the difference? Communicate with the power there? She doesn't know. But if anything can give her insight, anything that could help her help him...]

[Donnie isn't sure what Anila means to do, but he doesn't pull away, weird as it might be. Perhaps in a way he's also curious, to see if she might be able to find out...something.

What exactly, he has no idea, but he lifts his head a little as he watches her begin to concentrate.]

[Anila frowns and moves her fingers as if feeling for a pulse. In a way, she kind of is. She can feel a power there. The presence. But she can't connect with it. Not the way that Donnie apparently can.

Her brows furrow in frustration and she finally gives up and pulls away.]

I'm sorry.

[She sounds utterly disappointed and maybe a little frustrated.]

I was hoping I would find something to help but it's not really anything more than what you've already told me.

[He tilts his head as she frowns, but when she finally opens her eyes again, he can't help but be a tiny bit disappointed too, even though he wasn't sure what he'd been expecting. But that's not fair to Anila, who at the very least had intended to be of some assistance.

Donnie shakes his head, pulling his arm back as he lets the sleeve fall back over his wrist.]

There's nothing to apologize for. She's not very forthcoming most of the time.

[He looks at his hand again, flexing his fingers. All the earlier emotions have dampened again, condensed into a ball, too exhausted to make any one or the other more obvious.]

...every time I use them, and it's something beyond the power already available, it takes a little more of my body. They started out up to my elbows, but they didn't actually take my arms until I saved Anemone. Only recently did I lose the rest of them.

[There's... a sadness there. An ache for that loss, but it's a faint thing, nearly lost by a layer of apathy.]

"I was kind of guessing as much, you really stick with that color code, the three--four of you." It was a shame she never got to meet that fourth brother, he seemed like such a gem. She had met the other two, briefly, in passing, and she had heard bits from Donnie over the year or so they had known each other.

"I was wondering if it was just a weird coincidence whenever I saw you," she gives a little laugh. "Better than the dull browns the Jedi just love." She rolls her eyes, but she's still grinning.

"Our dad basically calls us by colors more than our actual names so...yeah." Like this is a normal thing. Donnie at least doesn't seem to find anything wrong with it. He may just have issues with when Splinter calls one someone else's color coding.

He blinks, snout wrinkling. "Brown? I mean, dad wears browns but...is that a dress code or something for you guys?"

[Anila frowns, but this time in sympathy with the turtle. She wanted to ask if there was a way to reverse it, but she already knew the answer and she wasn't so cruel as to make him speak it.

And how far would they go? What happened when they went too far? Would they keep going until they consumed him whole?

There was a surge of anger and her own hands curl in her lap. She's glad, for a moment, that he doesn't have the same kind of empathy that she does.

It's just not fair.

And now his emotions are dulling again. Donnie was good at that, she found, pushing everything in to a condensed little ball he can ignore and smothering it in apathy. It's probably not healthy but... she gets it. It's so hard to feel so much all the time. You need a break sometimes. At least she got him to open up a little bit, for a while. Hopefully that relieved a little bit of the pressure.

She doesn't really know what to say. What did you say? 'Sorry you lost your arms to some strange alien god tool, hope it doesn't happen again.' But it would happen again. It just kept happening, that was what was what was so frustrating.

The empathy was draining. It was never this bad before, in her own universe. Was it the alternate space? Or was it her? She often had trouble with meditation but it might come in good aid here.]

Dumb sacrifices.

[When she finally speaks, it's on a huff and probably the most immature she's sounded this whole conversation. She doesn't want to tell him he shouldn't have done it, that's not for her to say and he would have, regardless. But she can lament. She can be frustrated on his behalf.]

Is there like... a goal? Solus, right? Gave you options for the Ritual, didn't she? Is there something she wants from you?

[Maybe if there was some sort of... end goal, they could have something to work towards, prep for, anything.]

[It's unfortunately been an easier solution to getting emotionally overwhelmed. It's exhausting to deal with otherwise, and Donnie's found no lasting relief from it that it's just become habit to push it back into a closet. All he does is worry people anyway, and maybe they're just as tired of it as he is.

He sighs, letting his head sink back into his arms again. He's not even empathetic and he's still just as drained. Trying to solve problems is draining. Trying to do the right thing is tiring. And even when you do do the right thing, you end up exhausted. Maybe one day he can feel satisfied. But maybe one day he'll just be, as Princer put it, a magical cyborg.]

I don't know.

[It's his least favorite answer, but it's the only one he has. But he can agree with Anila's sentiment there. Dumb indeed. But sacrifice was a part of everything anyone did, just not to the extremes as they'd only recently dealt with.]

She didn't say. She only said that there was going to be treachery, and to take the book and perform the ritual, or else all those lives would be lost to power and greed if I didn't.

...but that's what ended up happening.

[Well at least Solus seemed to know a little bit of what she was talking about.

Anila pulls her other leg up, wraps her arms around her knees and rests her chin on them.

The thick feeling of being swallowed by blood, the weight and pain of all those souls. And she was useless, just like she is now, she--

Anila loosens her fingers from where they are digging into her arms. She isnt certain what triggered the surge of memory and emotion but now isn't the time. She has to keep herself under control.]

Yeah...

[Her voice is a bit distant.]

Doesn't feel great. Even if we got what we went there for. I-- for what it's worth, as much as I wished we had stopped it, I'm glad you didn't have to make whatever sacrifice Solus was asking if you. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to stop him sooner, to make sure you were never in that position in the first place."

If we managed to convince Shockwave, we might've instead had to face Akala. ...and I don't know how much better we would've fared against her.

[She'd been frightening enough even when she wasn't actively against them. It still worries him what all she might do, now that she's freed.]

...I could have put her back to sleep.

[Anila frowned. He was right of course, but it doesn't feel like it was a better or worse option either way. Just like everything else. An option where they would have had to pay some sort of price. Would the battle have been worse? Would more have died than just herself and a couple thousand souls?]

At least then the betrayal would have been expected. It wouldn't have even counted. At least it wouldn't have been one of our own

[She turns to look at Donnie, curiously.]

Back to sleep? Like with the Ritual?

[Donnie nods.]

A third option.

There was the Ritual of Forgiveness, which would free all the prisoners. The Ritual of Power, which killed them all to obtain power. ...and then the Ritual of Purity, which would put Akala back to sleep. The two thousand prisoners would be spared, but the sacrifices would potentially die.

[He counts each one off on his fingers.]

[She hadn't asked what the options were that he had been given and now, hearing them, her contempt towards Shockwave grew.

There were other options, other ways, just like she has been trying to find, and he took the one that cost the most for everyone but himself.]

Forgiveness would have still freed her then.

But you don't know what it would have cost.

It seems like Shockwave hardly paid anything. What is a few thousand souls when you don't care about a single one?

...there was a cost. But I don't know what would have been supplemented for it if it was even something Shockwave would have considered.

[Donnie knows only that it would have cost him if he had done so, his eyes drifting to his hands again.]

And he wouldn't have gained anything. Power's what he believes we need, and I don't know if I can say he's completely wrong in that. Not with everything we've been having to deal with. ...but it still doesn't justify what was done.

[She huffs, it's not directed towards him, but everything in general. Dramatic and a little bit immature.]

Absolutely not. Power rarely leads to anything good, even if it helps in the moment.

I... I understand why he didn't. But that doesn't mean I agree.

He didn't even give us a chance. Not really

[Her voice dropped a little quieter. She was supposed to be the adult here and here she was pouting.]

Have you talked to Annie at all? Or Esme?

[It's kind of funny. Refreshing, even. Unfortunately Donnie doesn't feel much like laughing. The subject isn't really one to laugh about anyway.

He shakes his head at the question. Back to his usual habits, retreating from the world, hoping to work things out. It's been working less and less these days, becoming more tempting to just hide in his room.]

...no.

Yeah... Me neither.

[She probably should. Check in on them. The ship was big enough to avoid Shockwave at least.

It wasn't that she was avoiding the others as much as she didn't know what to say. It was easier with Donnie, somehow. Maybe because she felt there was a bit of kinship there. Maybe because out of the three, he probably related the most.]

Are you going to?

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